Don’t Lose Patience for the Waiting
Don’t force it, wait.
Some things can never be forced. Like what a character in Lost once said of a chrysalis: I can help the chrysalis get out of its cocoon but it would then not survive out in the open for long, for it would then be still too weak to fly.
Don’t rush but enjoy the dreaming.
Always the worry wart and the tinkering surface mind that I am, I dream of things, I think of things, I would madly drool over them and get frustrated. As the wise say, visualization is key. Visualize your dream and so there is your dream coming true. So you can just imagine me taking long hours of sitting doing nothing in our kitchen in the wee hours of the day. Kitchen in the wee hours of the day is the only safe place and time for me for as you can well see, I cannot bother the people in the bedrooms with a turned on light or with my cell phone flashlight. And born out of my need to vocalize my thoughts (again, for my English), I have taken to talking to myself sometimes. I used to copy the BBC or CNN news anchors or the actors’ English, that’s why. And I used to read everything out loud.
Yeah, I used to be so trying hard with my English. But yeah, as for me, things register better and faster if I read them out loud, when I actually hear my voice uttering them. If I don’t, and it’s already proven many times, I would keep circling round the texts, sometimes go back to the same line again and again without understanding a thing until I feel sleepy. So, I need to really open my mouth and hear my voice when reading, and again I have this tendency to talk to myself or at times my thoughts would manage to just push themselves out my lips. I don’t worry about it though for I know that with my trying hard for my English thing and all, it’s normal. The only thing I worry about is bothering sleeping souls with my blabbering mouth; thus, the kitchen. Most especially after getting home from night duty, I spend long hours in the kitchen. Eating is stretched to two hours. Then I read and talk to myself and think or listen to music. I do my planning there, my thinking, my dreaming.
Though I know most of the time, dreaming is pretty useless, I can’t help but be swayed to do it at times. Comes the visualization. Without me knowing it, I am already seeing myself a pretty Doña, my family all mucho dinero. Sometimes I see visions of myself as a successful writer. A writer like Virginia Woolf no less! Very funny, yes. Talk about dreaming to be able to fly and soar even when you are hopelessly a dodo bird. It’s like having guts but no ability and no brains or not having enough ability or brains. Or it’s like having grand plans and all but no money. Laughably hopeless!
Still, I dream. And there are many other dreams. But what stands out from among my many dreams is that of becoming a writer. Unbelievably funny I know. Too shameless of me but what can I do? I have these ideas in my head, but oh, the waiting thing!
Have patience. Be persistent.
I used to get really irritated whenever my visualized result did not happen, which, as you can guess, happened quite a lot, and still does. When I let my brother study this and that for example, I want him to graduate already and know everything. When I say, you hen, you lay eggs! I want the hen to lay eggs that very instant or very very soon after. And when I have stories and ideas which I have visualized to become really good ones, I want to see them immediately. Which is not possible for writing is a long process and I have a job and I need to get some sleep. And my grammar is still not perfect and my vocabulary is not yet sophisticated enough. And so on and so forth. So I get impatient indeed until I feel sleepy and I get tired and I lose the sense of urgency and I become lazy.
Fight off the ningas cogon habit.
I have that undesirable habit. When I’m on fire, I’m really on fire and then I burn out fast and then no more. So I have to teach myself to wait and persist. Once, I observed a writers workshop and my, I brought a lot in my portfolio – poems, short stories, essays, short plays – all mediocre. The stories are there, fantastic, but which writer-wannabe does not have a chest full of story-ideas? One older writer shared when the idea of her story got formed – 10 years before! Imagine that! She waited way too long a time. The idea kept playing on her mind and she had thought of putting it to paper many times before. She got impatient too. But she eventually realized that she was actually thankful that she tempered her impatience for the said idea had taken a different turn, had shown a different side to it which made for a much better story.
Make a wish then wait.
I wish the same would happen to my stories! Anyway, yes waiting is a pain in the ass indeed. And until we die, we have to do a lot of waiting – waiting for a jeepney or a bus to ride, waiting for our food to be served, waiting to be noticed by our crushes, waiting to finish school, waiting for a job – wait, wait, wait. And that is without any firm guarantees.
I know we cannot ever help the interminable waiting, still I wish I were a chrysalis in a dark cocoon. I can imagine how tight and dark and itchy and torturous it can be in the cocoon but at least after all the waiting, the promise of beautiful wings! Oh, it’s nice to dream!